How does it feel to be abandoned? Psychologists say that a breakup is like death. You mourn the loss. When love is no longer there, all you have left is grief. The ideal separation, if there is one, is one that is accepted by both partners. One in which both can shake hands and look into each other’s eyes at the end.
But when one is abandoned, all of a sudden, unilaterally, unprepared? When one still loves, and the partner is ready to leave? When your partner has been preparing for it for months, and now you yourself have been presented with a fait accompli? When it feels like the rug is being pulled out from under your feet and you’re just falling, deeper and deeper?
When what has always been is suddenly called into question? All the familiarity, all the hours spent together? The love, the marriage vows in front of dozens of witnesses, the „for better or for worse“? All that suddenly seems meaningless, irrelevant, a great fraud. How can five, ten or twenty years of being together seem so worthless in a single moment? The world collapses. You feel the walls collapse and bury you underneath. And the children? What about the children? Suddenly you question everything. All the years together, the beautiful moments.
Most of us women look for the fault first and foremost in ourselves. Yes, a breakup always involves two people. But the one who leaves has the power to decide how this separation will take place. As equals, with respect, or from above, destructively.
For us women, two options remain: Grieve, hate, cry, scream, blame ourselves, curse the world and the man, keep our heads down, somehow survive. Or: grieve, hate, cry, scream, draw energy and strength from this anger, use it, look in the mirror and say to yourself „I am good“. Not just surviving, but living. Dare to make a new start. Taking care of yourself. To focus on oneself. Suffering, yes, that is inevitable, but also letting out the anger. Sports are ideal for this. Asking yourself „where have I been during our time together?“ Even if everything seems black and gray at the moment, going inside yourself, allowing the negative feelings and then pushing them away. Telling yourself „It’s going to be okay. One day it will be okay.“
I know what the first option can do. I’ve seen it myself. I’ve noticed it in myself. Not only does our soul suffer, but our body suffers right along with it. Skin rashes, headaches, inflammation of the body, heartburn, loss of appetite, etc. And this is even harmless compared to serious diseases. All this happens to us because we value ourselves so little. As if we have forfeited the right to be happy. The hatred, the anger, the hurt – they make us sick, literally.
We are not what men often tell us we are. We are good. And good starts in our own minds. Good starts with smiling at a stranger. Helping an elderly person across the street. Giving a train passenger a mask and appeasing the train employee with it. Feeling gratitude. Thinking positively. And above all, being kind and mindful to ourselves. This is our chance for a new beginning. To reconsider everything, to re-sort. To revive friendships. Because, let’s face it, most of us neglect many friends during a relationship. But they are there. And they support us. We’re not alone. And we’re a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for.
We can do this.